We Knew Something Wasn’t Right…

Preceding mom’s death approximately June 1^st through August 17^th. 

First I would like to provide some context about mounting concerns and even accusations that were being brought up prior to Julie’s death. 

Between the end of May and first week of June I was having some difficulty getting in touch with my mother.  Now this was not entirely uncommon, there would be a day or two, and sometimes even up to three or four days where we would not be able to connect.  There were times where family would call her many times in a week and she would not respond for a few days.  However, at this time it really never went on an extended streak of no contact.  Anyone who knew my mother knows that Julie was never very far from her phone, and I mean NEVER.  For the first time I began to actually question my mother’s physical health more than I did in the recent past.  My grandfather (Julie’s biological father), who everyone in the family knows as Dolfan Dan, began calling me and asking when the last time I spoke to Julie was.  He was more concerned that he could not get ahold of her either for well over a week.  We spoke about how this seemed unlike her, to go an extended time without posting on facebook, texting or calling. 

I began to reach out to Chet asking him why mom wasn’t answering her phone or text.  I will mention at this point the additional irregularity of her non-existence over electronic means of communication.  It is  important for all the readers to understand that Julie was not just tied to her cell phone.  Julie was an Apple electronics fiend.  Even when she was not answering phone calls because of a lost or broken phone, her Ipad, macbook and Iwatch were never unavailable all at the same moment.  She would always have some means of sending messages or posting on social media.  Ok, back to Chet.  I reached out to him concerned about mom.  His response was always somewhat nonchalant.  He would always seem to say “she just hasn’t been feeling well… you know how she gets when her blood is low.  She is just sleeping a lot” or “she must have lost her phone again”.  These were indeed common, but again, not to this extent we were seeing.  I did brush this off as him being honest about what was going on and trusted him that she was overall, the same health wise but just in a slump which she got in from time to time.  Mom was on a cycle where every 5-7 months she would require a blood transfusion as certain levels of iron and cell count would dip low.  However, it is also important for people to understand that in May and early June Julie was as healthy as ever. I specifically remember a conversation in May where I grilled her about pushing herself too hard because she was doing crossfit multiple times a week again.

Here is where I will begin discussing some of my particular suspicions.  On June 3^rd 2020, I finally received a phone call from mom.  It was from a Hot Springs, Arkansas phone number that I did not have in my phone and I was unable to answer.  She left a voicemail stating that she was using her friends’ phone because she did not have hers and that I can call her back at this number.  When I was free, I called the number back and the phone’s owner answered.  This was a close friend of Julie that I had met multiple times previously.  She told me that she was not near her but could be shortly.  I remember this conversation vividly, and this is one area where I will tell you I cannot prove this is what was said, I did not record any of the call or anything. All I have for you to go on is my word that this is indeed exactly how this conversation took place and how I explained it to my wife immediately after this took place.  I told the individual, no big deal I do not want you to go out of your way.  I can just call my dad’s phone later and talk to them both at the same time.  I did this for two reasons.  1. Because I did genuinely need to talk to both of them at the same time because Jackie and I were getting closer to finalizing wedding details and it would have been easier to talk to them both.  2. Because I was already having concerns that either my mother, Chet, or the both of them were misleading me about something going on.   My mother’s friend hesitantly responded with “you should probably just wait for me to have your mom call you from my phone”.  Now again, my suspicion of something not quite right between my parents was accelerating and this exchange shifted it to the next gear.  My very direct response to her was “is there something I should know about down there?” Her response was equally as direct and deflecting as she stated “that is a conversation you will need to have with your mother.”  I did not want to place this individual in too uncomfortable of a position, so I did not really push the issue.  I thanked her for allowing my mother to use her phone and asked that she have her call me again so we can speak.     

Mom called me back that evening.  We had a good conversation in which she sounded much like herself, physically and mentally.  Many times when she was dealing with some of her more common health issues I could tell when she was not feeling well or was medicating with certain prescriptions.  There was always something off with her voice, her mental acuity, or the type of conversation in general that we would have.  That was not the case this conversation. She sounded like she was of sound mind and good health.  We spoke about a variety of items and caught up in general.  I scolded her that it is not ok for her to be off the grid for such long periods of time because many people notice and begin to worry.    

What was concerning at this time was the fact that she mentioned she was staying at a hotel “for a few days” as she put it.  She told me that her and Chet just needed a few days out of the house together.  Now at the time this did not see all that odd.  Although I will say that I did have my doubts about her honesty regarding why she was at a hotel and I had some concern that Chet was not with her.  In my brain, I could not come up with a logical explanation as to why there was such a disconnect between my father and mother.  If her phone was broken, why couldn’t Chet have her call me from his phone?  Why did her friend make the comment about not attempting that course of action? I fully understand that they could be going through something between the two of them privately.  However, I was not ok with the idea that they were both being so misleading. 

At the end of the day, I was pleased that my nerves were a tad more calm knowing mom was healthy and we had finally been able to connect.  Jackie’s bridal shower was coming up quickly and that was one of the main reasons I needed to get in touch with her and why it was so odd that she was unreachable.  We were in steady contact from the beginning of June through Fathers Day. 

This confidence and calm was wrecked quickly.  After a few weeks of regular contact and communication with Mom we were back to wondering what was going on.  There was a two week stretch at the 23^rd of June through the 10^th of July where we were unable to reach her.  There was some contact on the 4^th of July but it was really just that particular day.  As we get to the third week of July there was mounting tension again within the family about Julie’s absence.  No one was able to get in contact with her and various family began reaching out to me with concerns that they had not seen or heard from her and were not getting any responses to calls/texts.  July 13^th I initiated a group text between my mother, Chet and myself to talk about wedding items and to share some home renovations that we were doing that week.  My mother never responded in this group chat and Chet’s responses were very short and simple.  I also attempted to reach out to both of them over the phone and did not receive a call back from either one of them.  On Thursday, July 16^th Chet finally called me back.  This is another conversation that I remember very distinctly because jackie and I were in the middle of Home Depot getting more items for our projects and Chet and I began arguing while I was in a public place.  When Chet called he was very defensive and “pissed off” as he even put it, because of a conversation that he just had with my grandfather (Julie’s dad).  One thing I will forever love about my maternal grandma and grandpa is they don’t mince words.  If there is a problem or they want to say something you will know.  If you know them personally, you understand.  Chet was very upset because he was confronted about Julie’s absence and lack of communication.  Grandpa explicitly questioned if Chet was providing adequate care for her or trying to hide something.  Chet made a comment that I do not recall the exact words but it was something along the lines of “I don’t have to take that from him he has no right to talk to me like that”.  This is where Chet and I began to disagree and our conversation escalated.  I told him that although I understand how he could feel slighted, I do agree with the overall perception given by grandpa.  I told Chet that we have the right to ask questions because we are either not getting any answers about why no one can get in touch with mom or the answers we are getting make no sense.  I argued with him for about five minutes or so and told him I too was extremely frustrated that I had told him to have mom call me even if it had to be from his phone and it just never seemed to happen?? Why did you not tell her to call me, why did you not call me from your phone and give the phone to her so you know she talked to me and her father.  These are things that we are going to questions when you tell us things like “I’ll make sure she calls you” the conversation was getting heated and ultimately I told him that I cannot have this conversation right now because I am in the middle of home depot. 

I called my grandfather later that day to discuss how both of our conversations with Chet had gone.  He did confess to me that he did questions Chet about if he was taking care of his wife.  He was frustrated and asked me if I thought there was any way Chet would not care for her the way she needed or he should.  We discussed a variety of scenarios and concerns with escalating concern that something was just not right at the time.  We also discussed the potential of calling the police in Hot Springs within the next week to request a welfare check at Julie’s home.  At the time I even discussed with my sister about this possibility and the irregularities going on.  We came to the conclusion this would be a good route to go because even if Chet was at the house, we thought the police wouldn’t simply take him for his word that she was sleeping or not feeling well, they would indeed ensure that they made contact with Julie.  This is one of my biggest hindsight regrets.  We should have called the police.  I should have called the police.  There have been many days and nights where I try to go back and think of why I did not.  I have struggled with what I could have done differently.  What if I would have called for a welfare check?  What would the police have found?  What lies would they have been able to discover from talking to Chet before her death?  What if I would have just booked a plane ticket down there and checked on her myself.  We will get into the gruesome details of what we did not know was taking place as these thoughts were taking place and this will make much more sense as we get into further posts about what we found after her death. 

To wrap up the final days of July and bring you through August 17^th, the date of her death.  For me personally, I had my two week annual training for the Army National Guard for the first two weeks of August.  During this time I called my mother every single day.  From the 1^st through the 14^th of august I called her every day at least once a day, many days multiple times per day.  After the first week of no response to calls or texts again, now mounting on 3 weeks strait, I followed up each phone call with a text message. The first one said “mom I have called you for 6 days in a row now and that is the 10^th missed call you have from me!!  I need to talk to you about the mother/son dance at the wedding and there are a lot of us getting worried about you please call me back.” The next day I called – no answer.  So I sent a text that said “That’s now 11 missed calls”.  The next day I was getting angrily frustrated. Another call and again no answer.  I followed that call up with a text that said “make that 12 calls now….. sure glad its nothing important I need to talk to you about or anything you know”.   I was growing more angry but at the same time much more concerned and worried that something was very wrong.  I remember one of my co-workers talking to me and he could kind of tell something wasn’t quite right.  I explained to him that I was unable to get in contact with my mom and something doesn’t feel right.  I began calling Chet relentlessly until he called me back because he too was not answering.  When we finally talked I told him I must talk to mom.  We are getting so close to the wedding and I wanted her to be involved in some of the final decisions being made.  This is another conversation that I will be unable to forget.  I told Chet specifically that I need to know if something is happening, one thing we need to solidify with the DJ is the mother/son dance.  I told him I don’t want to plan something dance related if she’s not up for it health wise.   He dead ass with no emotion or empathy told me – Justin you plan what you need to plan but maybe you won’t be able to do a mother/son dance.  I was bordering on a state of shock.  I remember being frozen in that moment, not just in what he said, but how he said it.  I remember exactly where I was standing.  I fell back into the wall of the building I was next to and had to compose myself.  I believe I responded with saying Is she even healthy enough to be there for the wedding and he said I hope she’s feeling better by then.  Literally shocked, and growing angry I told him I had to go because I was still at Annual Training.  This was the 14^th of August, my last day of training for that event.  I instantly called Jackie concerned and angry with what had just taken place.  I called my mother and text her again this time stating “if I do not get a response from you within the next day I’m calling the police for a welfare check”.  The same questions came flooding back.  I should have just done it and not threatened to do so. 

Monday the 17^th was the day I was going to pull the trigger and call the police.  This was also the day that Chet called me and told me that “sometime last night mom passed.” I remember screaming at him on the phone instantly blaming him.  I threw my glasses across the gym floor I was standing on.  I told him I knew something was wrong why didn’t you take her to the hospital if things were this bad.  Why didn’t you tell us it was this bad…. What happened??? I will never forget his response “this is not my fault” and I hung up on him.   Our ultimate fear that we thought could never be a reality just hit me in the stomach.  Unfortunately, my mother’s death was just the beginning of gut wrenching events we were about to face as a family.  We had no clue what had happened or how she passed so unexpectedly. In the next post we will discuss the events from August 17^th through the 29^th taking you through the week of Mom’s funeral.  This is where I will encourage readers to keep an open mind and make their own judgements on the events that are in question during that week.   This post provides information that we will relate back to in future posts.